


Lost In Space

by ThalassicThedes (50niftiesus)



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alien Abduction, Alternate Universe, Camping, College sort of, I'm Sorry, Mild Sexual Content, Multi, Slavery, Weird Shit Overall, space travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2018-12-24 10:49:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12011157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/50niftiesus/pseuds/ThalassicThedes
Summary: Lamer gets abducted by aliens and is thus separated from his beloved. Will he ever return?Purely written for the authors own self-indulgence. It’s quite unedited and all over the place. This wasn’t meant to be serious.





	1. ABDUCTED

**Author's Note:**

> You ever watch a show and a song comes on that's just so gosh darn catchy? Well this is the fucking result. 
> 
> Enjoy some more of my keyboard vomit. 
> 
> Written during #ALIENish week. (I love People of Earth. Obviously.)
> 
> On the off chance you've actually been abducted: TRIGGERS AHEAD
> 
> I'll warn you ahead of each chapter for any weirdness. I used the multi category because, you know, alien sex. Though chapter one is pretty vanilla. Meant to post this before labor day weekend but y’all ain't gon’ care anyhow. 
> 
> Oh! I am a elementary level French speaker so if it sounds odd I'm sorry. I also suck at formatting so good luck reading this.

Camping upstate rather than backpacking through villages along the Amazon like Jonny had originally planned was a compromise. But Beacon, New York? Sure it's a cute town along a main highway surrounded by woods but other than main street, Patrick just didn't get the appeal of the place and he never was very outdoorsy, but it's not where you are or what you do but who you're doing it with.

 So he's spending Labor Day weekend camping in the woods with the love of his life because it's been four years now since they had originally gone camping for their honeymoon. And yeah, Jonny the Environmental Health major thought camping was ideal for a honeymoon but Patrick had always figured they were too broke to be romantic having had married at 19 as two college sophomores. Jonny probably thinks it's cute to recreate their imbroglio of a honeymoon.

 Hopefully camping will be far more memorable this time around since last time they did this it was merely a haze of weed, not so comfortable sex, and some pretty awkward interactions with nature. Plus, Jonny’s excited. He's had this stupid smile on his face the whole car ride over. Others don't initially see the warmth beneath the dead stare but Patrick does, it's always there. He doesn't doubt Jonny’s got something planned. Probably the shit that makes Pat’s sentimental heart turn to mush because his cocky goof of a husband is just one big ol’ softy like he is.

They hike through the woods with Jonny leading the way. He’s also choosing base because Pat sure as fuck did not know what to look for. Once they’ve reached an area that satisfied Jonny’s requisites the sun had begun to set.

 “Picked a pretty good spot, eh?” Jonny said putting his topo map in his backpack.

 “Babe, I honestly couldn't tell you.” Patrick replied as he dropped his bag and stretched. “But I trust you.” He leans over to kiss Jon’s cheek and continues unpacking. Mostly looking for food. Pat’s really hungry, it was a long hike.

 He looks up to ask Jonny where's all the food when he gets hit with that look, the one of all encompassing affection that hooks his soul.

 “Oh mon trésor. It's a shaded area within 200ft of water and there's a smooth rock surface to avoid soil compaction and erosion. Very ideal for low impact camping.”

 Pat just blinks and stares.

 “Come on, let's set up before it gets too dark,” Jon says with a quick peck to Pat's mouth.

 Before Jonny's able to turn away, Patrick hauls him by the shoulders to deepen the kiss. Jon latches on immediately with one hand moving to grip Patrick's hip and the other tugging the curls at the back of his head, knocking his backwards cap up askew.

 When they break off Jonny breathes, “Hey,” pulling Pat away by the brim of his Yankees cap.

 “What?” Patrick responds dazedly.

 “It's not all so bad, we're prepared and sober this time. No starving. No hallucinations, I even got bug spray. It'll be good, I promise. We can go kayaking to see that castle tomorrow, yeah?”

 Pat pulled away from his hold, “Jonny, Bannerman’s castle was an arsenal for some crazy rich dude. And, didn't a chunk of it break off recently?”

 Jonny shrugged and continued to unpack. “Just thought you’d be into it.”

 Patrick pitched their tent as Jonny hung their food 200 ft away, he guesses to keep from bears and such. He rolled out their sleeping bags and was pleased at his work. Screw rocky surfaces, they were totally gonna sleep comfy tonight.

 “Huh, nice work babe,” said Jonny flinging an arm across Pat’s shoulders as he observed his handy work.

 Jon hands him one of the plastic wrapped sandwiches Patrick had prepared for the trip. They were mostly for Patrick since Jon’s allergic to gluten. It freaked him out when everything started making Jonny blow chunks or shit his brains out but Patrick did bake him his favorite almond butter cookies. He also bought a bunch of KIND bars, trail mix and dried fruits.

 “Here, eat something. I know you're starved.” Jonny says before leaving him.

 “You're not gonna eat it with me?” he says watching Jonny head towards the woods. “You're pretty starved too.”

 In response, Jonny turns around and closes the gap between them. He cradles Patrick’s face before pressing their mouths together. When Patrick parts his mouth for some air Jonny shoves his tongue inside.

 Patrick licked his lips after they brake apart. His brows drew near as he contemplated the taste. “Those granola bars aren't enough dude.”

 Jonny smiled and rolled his eyes affectionately.

 “I gotta find wood to get the fire started. It’s gettin’ pretty late.” He meant to use this safe alternative firewood but the he left it in the car which was very far away and Pat couldn't handle being alone to look after their stuff.

 “Fine. Go abandon me. I'll just eat here all alone and vulnerable. Exposed to the wild!” he yelled at Jonny’s retreating back even though he's pretty sure this is where prepubescent boy scouts earn their camping patches.

 “I won’t even be that far, Jesus,” Jon muttered before he was completely out of site.

 By the time Patrick had finished his sandwich, Jonny was still out locating firewood. Without eating to distract him, he began to get anxious. He sat there fidgeting in silence. After a few animal noises startled him he realized how dark it was getting and went looking for Jonny.

 “JONNY!” He yelled as he wandered off Jonny’s general direction.

 “Jonny? Jonathan? JON!”

 He spins and stumbles around still looking for him.

 “J O N N Y!”

 His cries scare a small flock of birds from a tree. And that's when Jonny finally notices Pat looking for him. Jonny stood from his crouched position holding a bundle of small branches. He sees Pat standing a few feet away looking so adorably lost. He smiles.

 “Hey Pat! I'm over here!”

 Patrick freaking sprints and nearly tackles him to the ground with the force of his embrace.

 “What's taking you so long? It's getting dark already,” he says into Jonny’s neck.

 “I'm sorry baby. Just wanted to make sure we had enough, that's all. Plus it's hard to find branches that won't harm the tree.”

 Pat lifts his head to glare at him. Jonny tilts his down to kiss his nose. “Come on babe, let's head back and get this fire started.” Jonny smirks and lowers his voice, “then we can we can commence our anniversary festivities.”

 “-Jonny please don't,” he said frowning at his husband's waggling brows.

 “I know we were baked last time but,” Jonny leaned in to nip playfully at Pat's ear. Patrick wasn't phased though, he new what was coming. Jon was already shaking trying hold in his giggles.“I hear sex while camping is, _in tents._ ”

 Just as Patrick was going to smack Jonny on the arm for being so awful, his body suddenly began sending signals of URGENCY to his brain.

 “Uh, Jonny? Where can I take a dump?”

 He laughs, “God, you get me so hot.”

 “I'm serious, it's urgent!” Fucking gas station chili dog.

 “Just dig a hole and do what’s natural. It's not so hard.”

 “This sucks. What made it less sucky the first time was being doped up all the time.”

 “I'm sure the newlywed glow was partly the reason, but I can see why the sudden urge to defecate would stifle the mood a bit. I'll be making the fire. Don't shit in any body of water or too close to camp either, none of us wanna step in or smell it.”

 “Fine. I'll be in this area,” he waves at the area towards his right. “Just in case I get lost or kidnapped by a pack of wolves.”

 Jonny shakes his head and chuckles.

 After Pat's successfully unloaded himself, he sees a flickering glow a few feet away. He thinks they're fireflies. Pat loves fireflies. It's just so cool how their butts glow.

 Before he goes to them he yells behind him, “Hey Jonny, I'ma check out those fireflies!” He doubts Jon heard him. Oh well, he'll be quick.

 As he draws nearer the small lights change direction and speed away from him.

 “Hey!”  He chases the lights until he finds himself in the middle of an open field.  

 Pat looks around, the fireflies are gone. He hears a low hum. Swoosh! A sudden gust of wind blows down on him. He cowers slightly at the force of it. The sixteen fireflies reappear and form a large circle around him. They spin at an increasingly rapid pace. Soft yellow glow blending into a blinding neon blue as the spinning ring rises towards the sky. And…

 Holy shit, that's a flying saucer and he's right fucking below it.

 Well he's seen enough tv and movies to know what that usually means.

 “Oh hell no. Not today fuckers,” he quickly runs backwards but finds that he is unable to look away.

 He's still gaping in awe as a bright beam hits the ground. He sees the soft blue glow surround the open field. Small pebbles and grains of dirt levitate off the ground. He's still stepping back when he feels large cold hands dig into his back and shove him forward causing him to trip into the beam. He's instantly weightless as he's being lifted off the ground.

 “Oh God, please no! No no no. Fuck!”

 He's already 6 feet in the air and crying when he spots Jonny who was likely searching for him.

 “Aah! No! Jonny!”

 Jonny stands at the edge of the field looking as distraught and panicked as Patrick feels.

 Patrick watches as Jonny frantically looks around for something when a look of recognition crosses his face and his eyes narrow in anger. Patrick tries to follow his gaze but is limited through his paralyzed state. He sees a short, grey figure with a large head and the legs of a kangaroo.

 “Rogelio?! What the fuck! You were supposed to go home!” Jonny angrily shouted at the grey figure.

 “Huh?” Pat says confused.

 Jonny looks back at Patrick and his expression is crushed again. He looks absolutely crestfallen. He runs towards him but it is then that the slow elevation speeds up and he's being sucked into a porthole.

 “Patrick! No!” Is the last Patrick hears.

 

\----

 

 “Rogelio, tell them to turn around!” Jonny pleaded.

 “No wait. Stop. Come back.” The gray said totally unconcerned, not even looking the fat clunky saucer’s direction.

 Patrick and the UFO are gone leaving Jonny in an empty field with some douche grey named Rogelio.

 Jonny kneeled to the ground and wept silently towards the night sky. He doesn’t know how long he just stayed there letting the tears stream down his face before he spoke again, mostly to himself.

 “What the hell just happened? Pat, my dear sweet-,” he chokes off.

  _“Mon trésor est parti.”_

 

 


	2. In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Come on Peeks, you've got a lot of training to do.”
> 
> “Am I like your rookie now?” A small smile forms on Pat's lips.
> 
> “Yeah. My little padawan.” Sharp grins and ruffles Pat's curls. “And call me Sharpy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup.
> 
> I don't like the way this chapter turned out. Largely my fault, because I'm lazy. So, you know, the formats a bit awkward when I give some background to P & J's relationship.
> 
> ADDITIONAL WARNINGS BEFORE YOU PROCEED: Patrick witnesses some (graphic?) depictions of slavery. Depends on how sensitive you are I guess. Other than that I don't know what else to warn you about. Please let me know.
> 
> Errors? Blame Stephawn & Karl, my new team that filters shit for me. 
> 
> Enjoy!

 

“Mr. Kane?” He heard a male voice said. His eyes squint open as he began to wake. He’s still groggy from the sedatives he was injected with. All he sees through the darkness of his cell are the luminous blue laser restraints that hold him above the ground.

A door opens in front of him. Light from the outside pierces through his dark cell blinding him instantly.

“Where am I?” He asks the voice.

“Where?” The voice laughed amusedly.

[Beep] The laser restraints vanish dropping him onto solid ground.

“Umph!” Pat grunted. Man that hurt.

“On the floor,” mocked the oddly shaped silhouette that appeared in front of him.

And, what the fuck? Oh yeah. Last night happened. He's somewhere in space on a fucking UFO. Memories from the night before bombard him and the heart-wrenching sorrow at being ripped away from his husband on their fucking anniversary came flooding back.

And oh shit, _Jonny_. Is Jonny okay? Did they take him too? Wait up, he _knew_ that little gray asshole. But _how?_ His chest grew tight and the pulse at his temples began to throb. He felt a wave of hyperventilation forming within him.

“I'm not supposed to be on this spaceship,” he blurted out before he got too overwhelmed, “I need to get back to my husband!”

“God, talk much about yourself?” The lumpy figure’s tone sounded annoyed. Pat could imagine this person had just rolled their eyes at him.

“I'm- I'm sorry,” he apologized. Probably not wise to raise your voice at your captor.

Eyes finally adjusting, he sees that the voice belongs to a short, tubby, grey alien. Much like the asshole who pushed him into the light-beam. Except this guy wore clothing, pompous clothing.

“Yeah, well you should be.” He looked to Patrick with disgust, like he was nothing.

“Anyway, hi, I'm Foster, head of the Emperor's Elite Guard.” Foster grabbed Pat's arm and yanked him out his confinement.“Come on, let's have a look-see around the ship.”

He steps into some District 9 shit. The first thing he notices are these thick, pomegranate red cords that shaped more like tree roots pumping throughout the ship sealed with rust. Then he looks around and sees these depressing slums. Ghettos for aliens. Muck and grime everywhere. The atmosphere was thick with smog and heavy with a pitiful sorrow. Strange creatures of all shapes, sizes, and textures walk around. They all look soul crushingly miserable. Patrick spots a big burly blue dude with antennas; his arms hung low and drooped from his slumped shoulders, his eyes were glossed over and rimmed pink. His whole frame shook uglily as he wept alone on a bench when they passed. Two guards follow Patrick and Foster.

“Welcome to Slave City. This is where we keep all of the prisoners we've abducted from across the galaxy.” Foster motioned his arms in the air and spoke with the false enthusiasm of any tour guide.

“But you're gonna take me back to Earth, right?” He asked weakly, still taking in all the misery that surrounded him.

Foster slanted his eyes and looked him sideways.“Yeah, this isn't that kind of slave ship, Patrick. Where you get to do things you want.”

He whimpers.

He sees a group of alien children at play. So similar to human children's behavior it almost makes him smile. They’re running around in sewage and toying with what he hopes are decaying animals and not actual corpses, the innocents.

“Hey, don't look so glum,” Foster says feigning sympathy.

“All the slaves serve a very important purpose on this ship. In the upper levels, where you'll work to serve our every desire.” Pat looks up to see the already visibly cleaner upper levels. An obvious social divide.

He's led to a glass elevator when he sees a human female with her back to them in skimpy clothing and tall heels.

“Hey, another human!” Patrick called out excitedly.

But then she turns around. It's a moss green creature with huge insect eyes covered in mucus. The creature's long face contained dozens of tentacles where a mouth and nose would normally be with saliva leaking out the sides. It looks up Patrick’s direction.

“Suck you clean for a dollar!” It yelled in a very hoarse voice.

Pat's eyes widen as he turns away in fear.

What Pat doesn't see is the creature getting handed a dollar by an alien mother. Then proceeding to suck her child covered in filth into its mouth only to spit it out entirely clean. Its mouth was literally a cleaning service.

When Patrick turns to Foster, he's grinning enjoying his discomfort. He blows a kiss Pat's way and chuckles full of mirth when Patrick cringes away to hug himself.

Once they've reached the upper levels. Pat finally realizes why this ship feels familiar. “So this ship is just one big shopping mall?” He asks Foster.

“Exactly. You see, every time Emperor Zing visits a new planet, he picks his favorite shop or restaurant then replicates it here.” Foster motions his arms towards the whole ship.

Now what Patrick steps into is like something straight out of Star Wars or Guardians of the Galaxy. They’re at the top of multiple leveled floors. The structures appear to be of copper, chrome, glowing amber and some kind of creamy marble for the floors. There are shops and restaurants of all types of weird stuff all from different planets, each with their own species. It's like a zoo if the animals sold you junk from their native habitat.

“Want to guess what he considers to be Earth's greatest contribution? Because that's where you'll be working.”

Pat's mind draws a blank.

“Falafel?”

Idiot. What's so great about that? He's probably gonna work at a Cinnabon.

“Close, shawarmas.”

They stop in front a shawarma shop. Huh.

“How weird is that? He was like, so close.” Foster says to the guards.

Foster leaves Patrick at his new work place where he's given a uniform and is to begin training immediately. Apparently, there's one other human working with him.

“Look, you got to make sure you leave enough room for cucumbers and tahini, okay? Are you listening to me?” His new boss was growing irritated.

“I'm sorry, it's just that...Well, you're Patrick Sharp.”

He can't believe he's working with the Stanley Cup champion and former captain of the Blackhawks. He's even better looking in person. At least getting to work with someone famous will serve as a momentary distraction.

“Yeah, I know, so what?” Sharp shrugged.

“Wow, so this is where you've been for the last 2 years.” This explains so much, he thought.

“What? I’ve been playing in Dallas. I just got here two months ago.” He looked confusedly at Patrick.

“Oh, sorry.” Pat sheepishly looked away.

Patrick loves hockey. That's how he met Jonny.

\--

They played against each other once when they were both 13 and became fast friends. That is, until high school. You see Jonny went to some preppy boarding school in Quebec and lost touch for awhile. But Patrick figured Jonny must've learned a lot about himself at that place because when he got back stateside for the holidays in 10th grade he was pretty eager to reconnect with his old pal Pat.

He remembers being alone in Jonny’s room one cold blizzardy day, how his body froze from shock at the warm press of Jon’s lips. He recalls saying, “Uhm” and then bolting out the room with Jonny chasing after him. Both halted at the steps interrupting Jonny’s parents who were watching tv on the living room sofa. They ordered the boys to stay inside until the storm had calmed assuming they were going to go out and play some pond hockey. Mrs. Toews made the boys hot cocoa and they sat in the kitchen sipping in silence.

Patrick didn’t know if he was gay or not, but he also knew he relived that kiss over and over in his head too much not to question. He avoided Jonny for a long time after that. He also kept his secret not knowing if he was out to his family yet.

When his parents invited the Toews’ over for Patrick’s grad party two years later, Patrick worked up the courage to talk to Jonny and continue the conversation. Eventually, he got Jonny alone in his bedroom. He waited for Jon to get distracted before he manned up and kissed him, cutting him off mid sentence. Jonny was the one who froze this time. He surrendered into Pat’s kiss for a few seconds before shoving him away. Patrick rushed to explain himself and Jonny got pissed for being someone's experiment and stormed off. Patrick felt down at being walked out on but he also realized he really liked kissing Jonny.

Jon came back the next day to apologize and explained how he knew what Pat was going through and he was there to support him as a friend. This led to them hanging out more and their parents were pleased they were friends again. Each time they hung out though, things got a bit fervid. It always lead to making out and rubbing off together. Patrick only freaked a little the first time Jonny touched his dick but he recovered and returned the favor. That summer after high school, Patrick made a lot of self-discoveries.

\--

A purple stingray looking thing comes flying down the walkway warning everyone.

“He's on a spree, he's on a spree, he's on a spree, he's on a spree, he's on a spree, he's on a spree!”

At an instant, mass hysteria ensued amongst the shops.

“Oh, no, no, no, shit. Emperor's on a shopping spree,” Sharp panicked.

He rushed around preparing everything for the Emperor.

“Quick, quick, quick, look busy! Don't look him in the eye,” he advised Pat.

The Emperor was another short, curvy grey. He wore luxurious robes and jewelry. He had a crown with a nuclear green gem floating at its point and held a matching scepter. His red cape shimmered and draped over his back. He had an entourage with him holding shopping bags containing numerous items the Emperor had spoiled them with.

“Three shawarmas, Earthlings, and don't skimp on the tahini.” He ordered both Patricks.

“This is my treat today, guys. Seriously, put your wallets away. You're gonna love this.” He says to his friends.

Patrick decides now’s the time to beg.

“Emperor, please, let me go home. I miss my husband. I love him so much.”

“Love? Ha! There's no such thing as love. It's just a pathetic notion that you lesser life forms cling to so you don't feel so alone.” The Emperor spat viciously.

“That's not true. The love I have for Jonny is real!”

“Do not challenge your Emperor!” The Emperor zapped him with his scepter.

“Oww!” Pat rubbed his head.

“- Or put so much ice in the drinks. It already comes out cold. You're just ripping people off. Come on, gals.” With an elegant swoop of his cape, the Emperor stormed off.

\--

Patrick and Jonny were good enough at hockey to land scholarships to play for Buffalo State. However, there was a lot of turmoil in their new relationship, especially on Pat's behalf. He fucked Jonny up with the way he mistreated him but Jon had a long time accepting his sexuality, it was all still very new to Pat. Their fights made surrounding bystanders uncomfortable. They'd take breaks from each other but neither could bear to be separated. In the end, Patrick forced himself to grow up a little for Jonny’s sake. After that, things were great.

Playing professionally stopped being a reality after a few scary incidents on the ice but they still planned on being involved in the sport. Jonny wanted to make hockey greener and reduce its carbon footprint while Patrick, who majored in sports engineering, was going to design gear to improve player performance and use sustainable materials in doing so. They were gonna take the hockey world by storm by saving the Earth.

After roughly 2 years of dating, they got married. They knew they were it for each other even though their parents opposed at such a young age. Jonny confessed to Patrick that he was his first love and Patrick told Jonny he was his first gay love. Jonny only laughed happily at that and said, “well hopefully we’ll be each other’s last.”

\--

He can't believe he might never see Jonny again. His sweet, dorky, goof.

Patrick felt his eyes well up as he watched the Emperor leave with his entourage. When he looked back at Sharp he appeared exasperated and reluctantly understanding all at once.

“Come on Peeks, you've got a lot of training to do.”

“Am I like your rookie now?” A small smile forms on Pat's lips.

“Yeah. My little padawan.” Sharp grins and ruffles Pat's curls. “And call me Sharpy.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, we'll get a look at Jonny's perspective.
> 
> Dr. Nigel Peter Perry is her usual bitchy self now so thanks for reading!


	3. Le Misérable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonny goes to group therapy...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, this chapter is just Jonny moping. So let me know if I should add any warnings.
> 
> This isn't a warning but just for you to know, Jonny calls Rogelio, “Rog” it's pronounced like (Raw-j) or (Roj)
> 
> People of Earth makes an appearance.
> 
> If you're still following along, I truly appreciate you!
> 
> Errors? Blame Stephawn & Karl, the editing team. 
> 
> Seriously, some feedback would be dope. Even if you think it sucks; share your thoughts!
> 
> Gozalo! (Enjoy in Spanish) :D

**_Clone Wars opening intro announcer voice:_ **

**_RECAP: LAST WE SAW OUR DISTANT LOVERS, ONE WAS IN A SHAWARMA SHOP SERVING UP SOME MAD TAHINI WITHIN THE VAST COLD REACHES OF SPACE AND THE OTHER WAS LEFT ALONE IN A FIELD WITH SOME ASSHOLE HE APPARENTLY KNEW._ ** **_AS PATRICK NARROWLY AVOIDS HIS NEXT PANIC ATTACK, SHARPY TAKES THE YOUNGLING UNDER HIS WING FOR HE TOO HAS BEEN RIPPED AWAY FROM HIS BELOVEDS ON EARTH; HIS DEAREST WIFE AND DAUGHTERS._ ** **_WILL OUR HEROES EVER RETURN HOME TO REUNITE WITH THEIR LOVED ONES?_ ** **_WILL PATRICK LEARN TO AVOID THE WRATH OF EMPEROR ZING?_ ** **_AND WHAT THE FUCK HAS JONNY BEEN UP TO?_ ** **_WELL WE'LL FIND OUT THE ANSWER TO ONE OF THE QUESTIONS IN TODAY'S LATEST INSTALLMENT OF  “LOST IN SPACE.”_ **

 

In Beacon, NY at a 3.5 rating bed & breakfast, Jonny lays flat on a frilly bed in silence as he stares numbly towards the ceiling.

“I don't know why you're moping, if anything I did you a favor.”

Jonny doesn't turn to look at the person in the room with him, just scrunches his face in anger.

The person sighs, “Wouldn't have done it if I'd known it'd suck the fun out of you.” Jonny hears them rummaging through his things when the sound of plastic wrap catches his attention, he turns around. Rogelio is eating Pat's sandwiches. “He was so needy, took up all your free time. See, now we can hang out like we used to.”

“Why would I ever willingly spend time with your selfish, moody-ass?” Jonny snapped.

Rogelio frowns, “You know, you used to think I was cool. We were besties until you left for that hockey tournament.”

“I was a little socially inept kid who's dad was never home and who's mom was too busy fawning after their baby brother. Of course I thought you were cool. But then I realized what a pathetic, lazy shit you were.”

“I know you're upset and saying things you don't mean right now so I'll try not to take your words to heart,” Rogelio says, mouth full, looking hurt. “Sorry for your loss. It really must suck. I mean, we both know you didn't like him for the hair, you size queen. That kid was a freakin’ tripod before his growth spurt hit.” He takes another bite. “Shame.”

Jonny’s face goes furiously red. “Fuck you, Rog! I fucking loved his hair! I fucking love all of him you piece of shit!” He gets up and shoves Rogelio against the wall knocking some porcelain kittens off the shelf. Rogelio suddenly looks frightened.

“And you-you fucking pushed him away! You took him away from me and now I don't even know if he's dead or alive. I don't know if he's out there suffering… because of me.” All the fight leaves his body. His anger dissipated as fast as it emerged. He's exhausted himself from rage. Jonny feels angry tears streak down his cheeks.

“Jonny, it's not your fault -”

“- I'm guilty by association.”

Rogelio may be a selfish asshole, but to him, Jonny’s always going to be that little 5 year old with the thick Quebecois accent who taught him about hockey and dinosaurs; who always played space adventures with him. He's seen him through a lot of shit too, even the whole “I’m gay for my best friend” fiasco of 2008 and the “I know he's a mess but we're getting married” ordeal of 2013. Always count on uncle Rog to listen to your problems and feed you vodka. He didn't know why it was a big deal for humans, his whole species were all pansexual. But little Jonny needs him again.

Rogelio hugs Jon tentatively and gently pats his back, “Hey Jon? Let's get you some help.”

After further pestering from Rogelio and a trip to the local thrift store, Jon finds himself reluctantly pulling up into a church parking lot.

“Rogelio, you're an alien. Since when do you believe in human religion?”

Rogelio slips on his wig and adjusts his mustache and glasses. He's wearing a red tracksuit from the 80s giving him the appearance of a hard-nosed gym coach. “Oh none of that, Jonny boy. We're not here for you to turn into some Jesus freak. Free therapy. Every Wednesday a therapy group meets at this church. It'll do you some good to openly whine and hear other sad people's existences. Maybe then you'll realize how much you've got going for you. You're too young to waste your life like this.”

If this is what it takes to get Rog to leave him alone then fine, Jonny will sit in a prayer circle and space out for a while. But-

“Rog, it's only been three days. Aren't I allowed to mourn? I don't even know what to say to Pat's family. You know he calls at least one of his sisters each day, they probably already know something's up.”

Rogelio reaches behind the seat and pulls out a lidded tray and then a walking cane. “Whatever, we'll deal with the family later. Now, let's get you out of this funk. When we go in there, remember that I am a blind man and my name is Walter Grandal and I own a general store back in Buffalo.”

“Okay, what's the tray for?”

“Well we can't go in there empty-handed to our first meeting; they’re snacks. C’mon let's go!” He hurries Jonny out the car.

It's a simple small chapel at the edge of town. Jonny walks into a conference hall of sorts, where there's seven people sitting in a chair circle. There's a tomboy, a granny, a middle-aged lady, some chubby bearded fellow, a thick curvy lady, a young brunette, a balding man with glasses, and another middle-aged woman sitting at the head of the circle. He assumes she's the therapist, she looks stressed. Rogelio follows in behind him but trips on his own walking cane, “Aghhf!”

“Are you alright sir?” The therapist lady asked.

“Oh, I'm fine. At least I saved the cookies.” Rogelio gets up and sets the tray at the snack table. Takes him a while since he's acting blind still, banging his stick on everything. “Greetings everyone, my name is Walter Grandal and I own a general store. That's my pal, Jonathan at the doorway. We're here for him. Come say hi, Jonny!”

Jonny steps in further but doesn't sit down.

His numbness keeps his emotions at bay, but he is seething beneath the surface.

“Oh! Hello Jonathan, I'm Gina, welcome to Star-Crossed. Are you too an experiencer? Did you come here to share?”

“Uhm, what? I'm sorry, an experiencer?” Jon asked bemusedly.

“Well yes, this is a therapy group for those who've had close encounters with extraterrestrial beings. So we've all ‘experienced’ things that we can't explain. We here at Star-Crossed don't criticize or judge our members but embrace them with open arms. We're here to share our stories and to provide support for one another.”

Jonny looks to Rogelio who simply shrugs and uncovers the tray he brought in. Ugh, that asshole.

Gina motions for Jonny to sit down, “Please make yourself comfortable Jonathan.” Jonny sits at one of the chairs farthest from any of the people there. He reads the room and catches a heavy mood of sorts. Empathy truly is a useless emotion. “Let me introduce the group.”

 **** She points to the tomboy, “that's Kelly,” Kelly nods. “Chelsea and Margaret,” the middle-aged lady and granny wave. “This here is Richard,” the scrawny bald man mouths hello. “And over there is Yvonne and Gerry,” the curvy lady and chubby man wave and nod. “You can ignore Ms. Foster, she's not part of this,” the brunette rolls her eyes. “And you know me, so why don't you introduce yourself and tell us why you're here?”

At that question Jonny’s chest drew tight, and his breath shortened. Shit, does he have asthma? He blinks to the floor unable to make eye contact. His throat clears, “Uh, my name is Jonathan. I'm Canadian but I uh- I grew up not too far from here. My friend, Ro-Walter, thought I should get help after my… experience. But I don't think this will help, to be honest.”

Jonny starts to feel dizzy, sways in his chair a bit. He takes a deep breath to steady himself.

Gina nods, “Jonathan the last thing I see in you is helplessness. A lot of us think that way at first, but trust me, it helps to let go. You seem upset, broody even, when you first came in. Let me guess, you don’t see any good in yourself? You've lost hope? Was it a bad experience?”

Understatement of the century.

“Really bad,” he swallows a lump. Then quietly adds,“But I have hope. “

“That’s good. Would you feel comfortable sharing or would you rather sit this one out until you're ready? Remember, we're not going to judge,” she soothed.

“Please- please skip me. I don't think I'm ready yet.” He already feels nauseous at just the thought of having to recount the incident out loud.

“That's alright Jonathan. Anyone feels they have something they'd like to share?” She asks the room. Everyone remains silent.

Rogelio rolls his head in annoyance. “Actually miss, I'd like to share my experience.” Gina encourages him to continue. “Well, I guess the most hurt I've felt was their abandonment. They took me aboard their ship and made me feel like family, I actually thought I was one of them. I had a family. Then they left me here, alone! I was later probed and investigated by a bunch of CIA bastards until I fucked off to Canada. The CSIS were much nicer. One of their agents took me in. That's where I know Jonny, the agent was his father. Of course, then they relocated to the states. I still live in their basement in Buffalo, I owe my life to them.” Rogelio goes solemn, “Sometimes though, I still have this hole in my chest. I feel like I'm not good enough, like I'm worthless. They didn't want me. Why didn't they want me?... To this day I still wait for them to come back.” He bows his head.

What bullshit! Jon thought. He looks up and sees everyone's sympathetic faces, looking at poor Rogey. It was true his dad took him in, mostly as the family's talking pet, but much to everyone's misfortune, he became family. He still mooches off Jonny’s parents. They were fed up with him but couldn't send Rogelio back, Jonny's dad would get into some serious trouble. Rogelio was supposed to go home, that was the deal they had agreed on. Instead he shoved Pat into the beam so he wouldn't have to give up his pampered life.

And now Rogelio’s sitting there relishing in all the attention. He's covered in crumbs, Jon notices. He has a plate of cookies. Cookies, where did Rogelio find cookies to bring to the meeting? They were together the whole time.

“YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!” Jon exploded. Everyone jumped at his booming voice.

“That is such fucking horse-shit! I can't even believe you right now! And you have the goddamn nerve to eat his cookies? The ones he made special for me because he knew they were my favorite? Because he fucking cared about me so much to be so considerate?! You were supposed to go home!” Jonny lurched forward and tugged the plate from him. “I could fucking kill you right now.” He sat back and retreated to his seat disturbingly calm.

All in the room were stunned. Rogelio sat there gaping. Total silence minus Jon’s heavy breathing.

Gina cleared her throat, “Well, it appears we have a missing component to your story Walter. Uh, Jonathan, care to share?”

Jonny bit into the cookies holding the plate close to his chest. His vision blurred as tears threatened to spill. _Almond cookies with craisins, so good_ , he thought. _They just melt in your mouth._

“Jonathan?”

Jonny choked as a sob escaped him when he tried to swallow. _Yep, these cookies were amazing._

“They just took him. He's somewhere in space, all alone. At the mercy of some fucking aliens. He may not even be alive. He might be dead. Because of me. Oh my God, the look on his face before they sucked him up- ” he wept openly now. “He was looking right at me and I couldn't do anything, I couldn't save him...I feel so fucking useless.”

Jon’s sadness, the urge to cry, came and went unrestrained; chaotic like a storm. These urges were powerful, causing him to spill hot tears. When he'd catch a break in between, a heaviness lingered and sat on his heart.

Margaret, the granny, handed Jon a tissue box. “Thank you,” Jon said. She smiles softly at him.

“I'm sorry for lashing out. I just- I feel...hollow...being mad is easier than being sad.”

 **** Gina, “There Jon, you've had a very traumatic experience. Now, who is this male you're referring to?”

Jon blows his nose, “Patrick, my husband.”

“Why do you blame yourself for what happened?”

He felt his temper slowly flaring, “Because, I'm friends with that asshole.” He points to Rogelio.

“Walter? What does he have to do with any of this?”

“I knew the aliens were coming for him; to take him ‘home.’ And that jealous, cowardly, bastard shoved my husband into a fucking light beam and he was sucked up into a fucking UFO.”

The group looks to Rogelio who crosses his arms and adjusts his sunglasses.

Richard leans forward to Jonny, “You know aliens murdered our friend Ozzie,” he whispered.

“It's true,” Gerry croaked. “He was my best friend.”

Ms. Foster rolls her eyes. “Now’s not the time,” Gina scolds her.

“Whatever, I still doubt it was aliens. Jonathan, your father works for CSIS?” Ms. Foster asks.

Jon nods.

“Is he an agent? What's his name?”

“Well it's not really an agency, they just gather intelligence and make sure Canadian’s rights are protected all across the world. So he's more of a liaison. Bryan Toews.” He informed her.

“I've heard of him.”

“Pardon?” Jon stuffs more cookies into his mouth.

“I used to work for the FBI. You guys knew about extraterrestrial beings on American soil and never mentioned anything, huh?” She raised a brow.

Jon snorts, “Well America doesn't have the best foreign diplomacy. After Area 51, Aliens avoided American intelligence agencies so Canada's been handling the delicate, ‘Earthling to Alien’ relationship.”  

“So aliens are real; they just disassociate themselves from the US government.”

Jon nods, “It's benefited us greatly. I mean, we haven't been invaded yet. They're the reason for a lot of the smart technology. And they taught us how to communicate with them across the galaxy.”

“Communicate, how?”

Gerry, “Radio waves, duh.”

Jon nods again, mouth full of cookies, cheeks red and blotchy, stained with tears.

“Have you tried contacting your husband? You know, see if he's alive?” Kelly, who's been listening attentively, asks.

Jonny freezes. No, the thought never occurred to him. Because he can't read signal waves, but his papa can. His dad probably still has the old radio setup in the back shed. Fuck, he has to go home.

He stands up abruptly, “I have to go!” Jonny runs to the snack table and takes the tray of cookies. He turns and points to Rogelio, “Go fuck yourself, Walt. You're not even fucking blind!”

The group all give accusatory stares to Rogelio as Jonny heads out the room.

“Goodbye, everyone! Good luck with whatever fucked up shit aliens did to you!” Yeah, he peaced the fuck out. He's found renewed purpose.

A 5-hour drive from Beacon to Buffalo and Jonny’s home. He can't help but feel nostalgic driving through the neighborhood he and Pat grew up in. Jon sighs, this better not be for nothing.

Jonny knocks on the door, it's around 1 am, he knows his parents are sleeping. Jon’s father opens the door, “Son? Whatcha doing visiting here this late? Not even a call to warn ahead of time, eh? Is Patrick joining you?”

Jon shakes his head no. “Ah, I see then. Come on in, it's late,” he lets his son in.

“Uhm, where's Maman?” She was usually a light sleeper, he's surprised she didn't answer the door.

“She's visiting your grand-mère for a few days. Figured she needs a break so I'm holding the fort down. Go to bed, son. We'll talk in the morning, looks like you've had a long day.” Bryan heads upstairs, “Some sleep will do you some good.”

“Okay, papa.” As if he can sleep.

He wakes up with a massive tension headache the next day. As expected his night was filled with memories of Pat’s abduction, cold sweats, and anxiety shivers. Like hell, was he gonna sleep.

He sits at the breakfast table where his dad serves him oatmeal and a fruit salad.

Once Bryan sits down, “Now son, why don't you tell me why you're here...alone?”

Jonny looks up into his eyes and shares the events that led to his unannounced visit. Bryan eyed his son considerately before he stood and left the room. When he returns he drops some keys onto the table. “Unfortunately, my job is to gather intel and protect my fellow Canadians who reside in this country. Patrick's American so I can't help him with any government resources and the Rogelio situation could land me in prison. I'll be busy in my office, those are the keys for the shed. If you can set it up, I'll gladly interpret the signals for you.” He walks away.

Jonny spends the whole day reading instructions and trying to set up an old radio system. But the dusty piece of junk is a mess of wires and cartridges. He gives up and goes to ask his dad for help. He hears noises in the kitchen and heads in there. His stomach grumbles, he skipped lunch.

“Hey papa, I give up. Have you even touched that thing since the 80s?” Jonny says aloud.

“Oh hey, you fucking traitor,” it's Rogelio rummaging through the fridge. “I had to take a bus after a mob of abductees decided to take their frustrations out on me,” he turned and looked to Jon. His left eye was a swollen nasty purple through cracked glasses lens, blood dried at the corners of his mouth, he held his left arm close to his body as his wrist hung limp and possibly dislocated. They fucked him up. “I narrowly escaped with my life. You owe me fifty bucks for the bus ride.” He set his sandwich down and sat at the head of the kitchen table.

Jon crossed his arms and leaned against the cabinets,“Wouldn't have happened if you'd gone the fuck home like you were supposed to.”

Rogelio flicks him off as he continues eating.

Footsteps are heard coming down the stairs. “Son, you in for dinner? Your maman made a roast before she left, I thought we'd eat that - Jesus Christ, Rogey! What happened to you? Haha, can't say you didn't deserve it.”

Jonny’s dad goes to the fridge and pulls the roast out, “Anyone care to enlighten me?”

“He got his ass kicked by an alien abductee support group,” Jon informs him.

Bryan slams the oven shut and quickly turns and asks Rogelio, “You weren't found out were you?”

Rogelio waves him off, “You'd think the complexion and head shape would be enough but they just assume I have some kind of birth defect. Embicles.”

Bryan sighs, “You're supposed to be home, Rogey. We agreed on this. And now you've sucked poor Patrick into this, who doesn't even know you exist by the way.” Jon stifles a whimper at Pat's name.

“Papa, I couldn't get the station running. Too many parts are disassembled.”

“That's fine son, after dinner Rogelio will help you.” Both Jon and Rogelio roll their eyes and groan in protest. They stop as soon as Bryan fixes a glare at them.

The three dine in the kitchen together, Jon’s not really talking, he lets his papa and Rogelio bicker back and forth. Bryan notices his son’s silence takes concern.

“Jonny, we'll find your Patrick. Don't worry. As soon as we're done here we'll call out to him.”

Jon toys with his food.

“Yeah, if he's even alive,” Rogelio mutters under his breath.

Jonny looks up.

“Rogelio! How could you say such a thing?” Bryan scolds.

“Because I know my people and if he is alive, he's not going to want to be.”

Jon reaches out and twists his broken wrist. “Arghh!” Rogelio cried in pain.

Bryan bats him away, “Jonathan, stop.”

Jonny stands, “I'm not hungry.”

He exits the kitchen and grabs a bottle of Jack from the liquor cabinet in the living room. Jon heads to the old play set him, Pat and Davey used to play on. He chugs from the bottle and sits on the swing. Jonny swings and sips until the whiskey is gone, the whole time looking up at the night sky. He's getting sick from the motion.

He tries standing on the swing but falls back on his ass. He feels pathetic. Resting on his elbows, Jon continues to stare at the moon. Maybe it's because he's drunk but he doesn't know what compels him to start belting out some Sinatra.

_“Blue Moon, you saw me standing alone, without a dream in my heart, without a love of my own…”_

He finally breaks down at, _“...you knew just what I was there for, you heard me saying a prayer for, someone I really could care for…”_

For the sixth time in 48 hours, he's crying. His eyelids are red and sore, the fresh tears sting.

Bryan and Roger look on as Jon hiccups his sobs, waiting for him to knock out before they attempt to drag him inside.

Jonny blubbers,“Pa- Pat? Are you up there? Are you even alive?”

His vision tunnels so the stars have a hyperspace effect. He blacks out.

****

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in the mood for a horror fic, so that's just what I'm gonna do.
> 
> The chapters are basically finished already so I just post them each week. Next chapter will be short, I think.
> 
> Thanks for reading! :)))


	4. Mos Eisley Cantina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patrick finds a way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Mentions of castration? Someone's putting their "instrument of love" on the line and there are mentions of previous individuals that have already done so.  
> Other than that, idk. Let me know if I should add more warnings.
> 
> Shapeshifting Tyler Seguin makes an appearance. 
> 
> If you are still with me I want you to know that I value your existence.
> 
> Are you a person with questions/opinions? Comments below are always encouraged! 
> 
> Grammar errors? Blame Stephawn & Karl, the filter crew.
> 
> Anyways, boring chapter imo. 
> 
> Enjoy! :)

 

 

After a long day of work, the slaves head back down the elevator to their lower floor. Upon exiting the elevator, they toss their dirty uniforms into a laundry shoot. They then head into a communal shower of sorts which functions more like a locker room for slaves **.**

Patrick sticks with Sharpy the entire time. After a hard day's work, Sharpy suggests they go out for drinks. They enter a pretty swanky joint with low lit booths and a live band. The duo head for the bar to order some drinks.

“Oh, man, I'm never going home,” Patrick sadly vocalized his realization.

Now, the little nerd in Patrick wants to be ecstatic, he's drinking at the Mos Eisley Cantina. Well, a knockoff of it. The atmosphere, in reality, is actually very depressing. Just a bunch of sad, alcoholic, alien slaves moping about. Regardless, it's just not the same without Jonny there to chirp him and share the experience. They could've had shots blue milk together. Patrick’s pretty sure it’s lactose-free so it probably would've been okay for Jonny to drink.

Plus, Sharpy’s celebrity totally wore off by now and without all the newness to distract him, Patrick feels the full gravity of his situation.

He doesn't know how far from Earth he is. Or how long he's been gone in relation to Earth's time. He's probably never heading home. He'll no longer see his sisters or parents. He's never seeing Jonny again. And what’s Jonny up to? What's he feeling right now? How’d he know that little grey bastard? While he was being taken away he felt his heart literally ripped out his chest. He knew Jon felt it too. He wore a look of desperation, the same look of helplessness Pat had. And there was darkness.

Patrick feels his tears threaten to resurface.

His throat suddenly feels too narrow to breathe.

He reaches for his chest as it tightens with all the uncertainty.

Fuck his damn anxiety anyway; now’s not the time to be having a nervous breakdown. He needs a distraction. He tries focusing on Sharpy for a minute as he was in the middle of rambling something.

“...it's rough in the beginning, man. But you know what, it gets worse, yeah. And then you got to live in your car for a while. And that's a trip. And you got to get used to living outside, then you got homeless folks punching your face...”

Wait, _what?_

Sharpy stares off into space. He grimaces at a memory.“You know, I might not be the right guy to help you here, man.”

The bartender lays two drinks down on the counter in front of them.

“On the house,” the bartender winked at Pat as he was retrieving his drink.

He appears human and a pretty hot one at that. Tall, fit, warm brown eyes, easy smile… Pat's not interested.

“Thanks, dude.”

“That ain't no dude, Peeks. Look, he's not even human.”

Patrick looked curiously towards the bartender as he took the physical form of each of his customers, obviously flirting with all of them.

“He's a shapeshifter. And he's super horny. He's hornier than Kadeem Hardison. I'm talking when his glasses were flipped up.”

The bartender circled back his way and shifted human again. He leaned in tracing his fingers along Pat's chest and shoulders.

“I get off a little later if you want to get off with me,” he purred.

This guy really was a horndog.

“No thanks, I'm married,” Pat replied easily.

“Did you say you were married?!” An alien sitting in the middle of the bar alone at a table interrupted. He was peachy and had spotted copper hairs all over him with one massive eye.

“Leave us alone, Phil,” said the bartender.

“Okay, but would you say you're in love?” Phil, ignoring the bartender asked Patrick.

“Oh, yeah, big time,” Pat nodded his head.  

“Go on, man, get out of here,” Sharpy tried to get the guy away from Pat.

“What did I say about boundaries, Phil?” The hot bartender smacked him on his side.

“Tyler! But the kid says he's in love. He should exercise his right and take the test.”

“I told you, step off!” Tyler, the bartender, tossed a drink at his eye.

“My contact!” Cried Phil.

“Well, wait a minute, what test?” Patrick asked curiously.

What the hell was this alien trying to tell him that Sharpy hasn't?

“Yo, don't worry about it, Peeks. Just forget it.” Sharpy appeared really uncomfortable all of the sudden. He shifted in his seat and refused to meet Pat's eyes.

“Sharpy.”

Sharpy sighs,“Look, if you can prove that when the aliens abducted you, they separated you from your true love, well, then they have to take you back to Earth.”

“That's great, 'cause I am in love.”

Patrick wasn't ready to give up, not so long as he had a chance.

Sharpy stood up,“Well, a lot of us thought we were in love, too. And when you fail the emperor's test, they do this,” he unbuckled his belt and exposed his groin.

There's nothing there.

“Uh-huh. They make you smooth. And I'm not alone,” he motioned towards everyone in the room. “We all lost.” 

“Some of us lost less than others.” A preying mantis looking, individual, hollered from the back.

Phil frowned,“You guys just never saw it from the right angle.”

“But the love Jonny and I have is real. I know it is. I'm going for it. I'm taking the test.” He's gone through too much shit with Jonny not to. And should he fail, he doubts he'll ever need his dick again, except to pee maybe. How does Sharpy pee? He's getting sidetracked.

Patrick downs his drink.

He smacks his lips and twists his lips at the taste. “Um, I ordered a beer. I think this is a cider?” he says to Tyler.

Tyler looks him up and down and takes the drink back.

“Peeks, I'm begging you, man,” Sharpy pleaded for his friend to reconsider. “Please, man, don't go out there. Look, no one has ever passed the test of true love. The emperor has a fish tank filled with our junk. That thing is just swimming with junk.”

Patrick was determined. He was confident in his love for Jonny.

“Listen, Sharpy, I love my husband. I'm gonna go prove it, and then I'm gonna go home.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm working on my first horror fic that may actually contain porn so if you're into that...keep your eyes peeled. I even drew a story board! (art major with too much time on their hands)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Majestic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is time for THE TEST. Will Patrick pass or get neutered?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy. So October was a wave of unnecessary stress for my lazy ass. Midterms were a success so whatever. I did a story for Halloween that's actually serious? (I made an effort to be creepy af but with heart) but decided against posting it for the greater good of the fandom. 
> 
> My sincerest apologies to the few of you who actually care how this story ends (I love you!!) and have continued to read and follow along. Anyways, shit, sorry.
> 
> WARNINGS: Uh, Pat may or may not end up losing his junk in the next few chapters. While there are mentions the potential operation does not occur in this chapter.  
> There is some homophobia. And also mild sex. And some bad relationship memories. Pretty whacky chapter, I'd say. Idk what else to add so let me know.
> 
> WHAT?? You spot errors? Blame Stephawn & Karl the editing crew.
> 
> Sich Erfreuen! :D (Enjoy in German?)

 

“Patrick Timothy Kane II, you insist you have a right to be returned safely to Earth,” Patrick stood on an elevated platform in the middle of a grand arena. Designed to be as flamboyant as the Emperor himself, all false elegance. It was a full house packed with aliens all donning merchandise that read, “Majestic.” Their thunderous excited roars shook the foundations of the whole structure. Pat felt his heart drum with the vibration.

This must be what Anakin felt like in that arena during Attack of The Clones. Only Patrick doesn't have his Padme to fight beside him. He hopes he doesn't have to fight. A test of true love; maybe a few compatibility questions? He’s an expert in the subject of Jonathan Toews, no way he’d lose some trivia quiz. He was sure of himself and yet deep down, he couldn't shake the feeling that his life was at risk even though they'd just take his manhood away.

The Emperor spoke, “On what grounds do you base this preposterous notion?”

Patrick looked up to the gold-encrusted marble balcony where the Emperor and his entourage sat and he stood confidently. But he removed his snapback for respect or whatever. Foster was up there too.

“On the grounds that when you guys abducted me, you separated me from true love.”

Emperor Zing lifted a brow. “Are you willing to take the test to prove it?”

“I am,” he replied coolly.

“Well, okay then, let's wake up the Majestic!” Emperor Zing exclaimed excitedly.

“W-Wait, what?” Pat immediately put his cap back on. What the fuck was Majestic?

“Well, how do you think this test works?” He cackled at Pat's stupidity.

“I didn't know what to think, man!” All his confidence deflated immediately.

Boy, did he go into this blind.

“Well, Patrick, our test involves a creature called the Majestic, which delves into your memories of alleged love and displays them for all to see. And now, to help us wake up the Majestic, The Summoner...”

Emperor Zing points his scepter past Patrick’s direction. The crowd erupts. Like, they go apeshit. The Summoner?

And woah, what the fuck? Is that...a guitar he hears? There's music slowly building up. He can’t believe it. This creature has his own walk-up song. Pat turns his head to the source of the music.

Hovering in on a pod that then transforms into a smaller platform, though much like the one Patrick currently stood on, was a chubby, pale sickly green alien with goggles. His orange hair resembled short dreadlocks though he was bald from the top and was also sans shirt, displaying his multi-ringed nipples and striped arms. His whole being was tribal trash but in space. The rippling sounds of an electric guitar began to fade into the melodic keys of a grand piano. The Summoner began to sing into a stick that Patrick assumes is a mike of sorts.

_“A sight for sore eyes to the blind Would be awful majestic…”_

A large gate opened from the ground beneath them. He felt the arena shake not because of the roaring crowds but because of the beast climbing up from below. A hatch opened what looked to be a sewage pit. The Summoner dropped three balls yellow, blue, and red into the hole.

_“It would be the most beautiful thing That they ever had seen…”_

A big, flushed pink blob with glowing green eyes and dozens of tentacles. Like some sort of mutated starfish, arose.

_“It would cause such surprise It would make all Of their minds electric…”_

Pat fought off the tentacles reaching for him, trying not to fall off the platform and plunge to his death. Meanwhile other tentacles plugged into an audio and visual outlet. It was no use fighting the beast off, he was trapped by the slimy limbs that wrapped around him. He renewed his efforts when he felt more tentacles trying to squirm into his ears; it felt like wet noodles were scrambling his brains. He screamed in vain. Miracle his Yankee cap hadn’t fallen off yet. All jumbotrons now tuned into Patrick’s mind, all memories of him and Jon together were on full display.

_“How could anyone tell them That some things are not what they seem?”_

And such horrible memories.

The first was of Pat flirting with other dudes at a bar, deliberately glancing towards Jonny every now and then, barely acknowledging he was there. Jon looked irritated as he stood there with his arms crossed. He scoffed and shook his head in disbelief when the man Pat was flirting with pressed his body in closer and mouthed something in Pat’s ear that made him burst into laughter. Jon stormed out the bar.

_"In such_ disbelief _I thought I was asleep When I met you. My heart liquefied And I sighed, "Oh, this must be a dream!"_

The next memory showed Jon looking utterly miserable as he took care of a drunken Patrick. He heaved him past the doorway of their dorm and looked reluctantly fond at Patrick’s mess of sprawling limbs on one of the twin beds. He helped Patrick rid himself of his sweaty t-shirt and Patrick motioned for him to kiss him. As Jonny leaned in, Pat puked all over his face. Jonathan was repulsed and shoved a laughing Pat away from him as he stomped to the bathroom.

_“If I forget to set the alarm And sleep on through the dawn Don't remind me …”_

And oh, Patrick actually remembers this one.

One of their more noxious fights, entirely his fault. The relationship was young and Patrick still had trouble accepting. They’re in Pat’s bedroom and Jonny being the awesome boyfriend that Patrick so decidedly does not deserve, was giving him a blowjob. Patrick remembers how good his mouth felt, that tight, wet, heat, but he also remembers not being able to enjoy himself for that ugly pang of jealousy that sat deep and twisted his gut.

“Fuck, you’re so good at this Toews.”

Patrick remembered Jonny moaning at that, he had felt the vibrations on his cock.

“Such a slut for me… bet you were a slut like this for those fags over at Shattuck, weren’t you?”

He felt so angry. So blind in his self-hatred. Where did Jonny learn to get so good? He’s so easy for Patrick, surely he’s been easy for other guys too, right?

“I bet they just lined up outside your door knowing damn well there was a desperate whore on the other side, waiting to be fucked.”

Why the fuck did he care so much? He was getting his dick sucked he should shut up and enjoy it. Jonny slipped off and stood to leave. There were tears at the edge of his sweet doe eyes, tears that Pat knows weren’t from choking on his dick.

“Fuck you, Kaner,” his voice cracked. “I know this ain’t on me. You got issues man.”

He grabbed his jacket off a chair refusing to look Pat in the eye anymore, “Let me know when you finally get the fuck over yourself.”

The door slammed shut.

_“I'd rather be dreaming Of someone than living alone…”_

 Okay this looks recent, perhaps within the last two years.

It’s a bit less theatrical, just Pat on the floor of their bedroom playing video games full on ignoring a nearly naked, minus the garter set and stockings, Jonny. Dammit Patrick, turnaround! You can play games later. With the last of Jon’s patience used up, he huffs, slides his boxers on and tugs the bed covers up, turning away from Patrick. Pat simply calls out, “G’night, babe,” and continues focusing on the screen.

_“If you're searching the lines for a point Well, you've probably missed it…”_

Pat can't believe it. His chest grew heavy. Tears were flowing easily, staining his cheeks as he watched the shit show of his treatment towards Jonny. How could he have been so cruel to his Jonny? The supposed love of his life? And the hits kept coming. An endless montage of him being an asshole and Jonny just taking it. He fucking hated himself right now. The Summoner who’s been flying around on his platform, singing that fucking song, hovers towards Patrick and flicks his cap off. Patrick watches as it descends to the abyss.

_“There was never anything there In the first place.”_

At last, the song finished, the test was over.

Emperor Zing laughs maliciously. “You call that love? All we saw were examples of you being a selfish, inconsiderate jerk.”

Pat jerked his head up.

“You fail.”

Oh, no.

“No, no! I can love him better,” he pleaded. “I can. I can. Please, please, just let me go home!” Well now he had to go home, to make things right with Jonny.

“I'm sorry, Patrick, we can't do that. And you know the deal,” he smiled viciously now.

“If you can't prove the love, you lose your tools for love.” There was laughter all around the arena. What sick people to find this amusing.

“See you tomorrow at 6:00 a.m for your smoothening, Mr. Kane,” the Emperor cackled.

And just like that, he was losing his dick.

Pat sniffled, “Oh, man, I'm so not a morning person.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EXCUSE ME. 
> 
> Hi, hello. You have just completed chapter five of Lost In Space.
> 
> Have any opinions? Questions? Comments? Concerns? Just wanna rant? 
> 
> Then post in the comment section below! :D
> 
> I'd love to hear whatever nonsense you have to say.
> 
> And stay tuned. Shits gonna go down.


	6. Love Is Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sure Pat hates himself but can he avoid “the smoothing” and get home? Let’s find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Almost cheating. An alien might suggest someone piss in their mouth, whatever, it’s space! I’m not entirely sure what else to give you a heads up on.
> 
> Comments are cool. Drag me if you want. Complain about work or school, idgaf. Just let me know you’re there, I’m here for you dammit!
> 
> This will probably post on the 20th but HBD, Pat! As a fellow November Scorpio, I salute you. If mother would have stuck it out for 48 hrs, we would've had the same b-day.
> 
> Errors you say? *coughs* Blame Stephawn & Karl.

 

 

“I thought I loved him. But those memories... they all happened.”

Like in so many low points of his life, Patrick found himself in a bar attempting to numb his sorrows in alien spirits. Of course, as his rambling continued and his judgment began to fade, Tyler the trusty bartender felt responsible for his safety. Even offering a stay at his place rather than Patrick’s own cold cell. Currently, they sat on Tyler’s bed sharing a bottle of fine Aldornian vodka.

“I guess I deserve to be smoothed,” Patrick was still in a pitiful state after witnessing his shortcomings as both a loving and devoted husband. The tears stung twice as much now that his eyes were red and achingly sore; it hurt to blink. He still hated himself but appreciated Tyler’s company while Sharpy was working overtime at the shop. Pat never did like being alone. So he let himself be held. Let Tyler run his fingers through his hair as he cooed comfortingly each time Pat cursed himself.

Tyler had ulterior motives though.

“Well, you still have one night before they, you know, make the front of your underwear roomier. And I've never been with a human before,” he was making his last attempts at conquest.

“Sorry, I'm not really in the mood.”

Tyler stepped away and stood before him.

“Oh, come on. Let's give your little friend a going away party. I can be anyone you want,” he instantly transforms into Jonny. “This way it's not even cheating.”

Patrick’s drunken mind was blown,“Whoa, you look just like him.”

Jonny was here. He was all tanned muscled perfection, just as Pat remembered him, standing in nothing but his tight, black underwear right before him.

Tyler took advantage of his state of shock by climbing onto his lap. He kissed Pat’s slacked mouth deeply, snaking his tongue inside. Patrick grabbed fistfuls of his now meatier ass and groaned.

“Oh, God, I miss you so much.”

Tyler smiled against his mouth and broke away to turn his record player on.

“I find human relics cute,” he turned coyly and said.

Pat grinned. “ _ **I find you cute**_ ,” he thought to himself.

_“A sight for sore eyes…”_

Tyler shuts it off immediately.

“Sorry, that's real popular here,” he shrugged sheepishly.

Patrick's bubble was burst. The illusion was shattered. He's losing his dick tomorrow and he deserves it. Look at him, cheating on his husband with an imposter.

He can't do this. “I- I don't know. I- I'm sorry.”

Tyler pouted, “Your husband is a million miles away and you still don't want to hit this? I mean, come on, I'm exactly like him!”

“You look like him, but you're not him.” Tyler looked confused. Pat sighs,“I mean, I didn't learn French to impress your parents, or nearly get a restraining order from Joe Sakic to get your jersey signed. I didn’t nag you to see a doctor when food kept making you sick or stuck by you the whole time you were recovering from multiple concussions.”

Tyler’s face softened,“You did all those things for him?”

“Yeah.Yeah, I did.”

“Where were those memories? The Majestic only showed the bad times. But why?”

This horny bastard was onto something.

“Wait a minute, if I can just climb down to the Majestic, I can talk to him. It's my only chance to get some answers and maybe even get off this ship.”

Tyler looked at him like he was the one who just shapeshifted,“Patrick, that's crazy. That creature could kill you!”

“Hey, can you turn into a giant pickle with girly parts?” A large fuzzy orange caterpillar interrupts from the doorway.

Tyler rolled his eyes annoyed,“You're drunk, Toby.”

To which he replied, “I'm sad, you bitch!”

\--

“This is a bad idea, man,” Sharpy said nervously.

They were above the sewage entryway that led to Majestic’s dwelling. As soon as Sharpy was relieved from work, Patrick informed him of his plan. Sharpy thought he was nuts and tagged along to see if he can still talk Pat out of this.

Pat is currently tying a rope around his waist.

He was to jump off, dive into the beast’s abode, get some answers and have Sharpy help him climb back up.

“Who knows what that thing'll do to you??” He asks reasonably concerned for his little friend.

Having made a firm decision and being resolved not to change it, Patrick walks determinedly to the edge of the entryway.

“Well, I'm about to find out.” He takes a deep breath and shakes out his hands.

“Peeks, wait!”

Patrick was through with Sharpy trying to convince him not to go through with this. He’s made his mind. He has to get home.

Pat shakes his head, now teetering on the edge.

“I'm done waiting.”

He jumps.

“But I didn't tie this off!” Pat hears Sharpy’s voice echo and fade.

He’s hurtling down the rabbit hole, well monster hole, really.

“Ahhhh!”

The fall feels endless.

“The key is to roll when you land! I know what I'm talking about! I used to dive on the ice a lot in college!” Again, he hears Sharpy’s voice echo down the tunnel.

He attempts to steady his ragdoll limbs to brace for impact when-

“Ahh-Umph!”

He lands with a thud. The surface feels bumpy and wet like a giant tongue. When he looks up there’s just piles of garbage everywhere.

“I wasn't expecting visitors,” a heavy auto-tuned voice spoke.

The piles of trash were quickly shoved aside by tentacles.

He turns to its source and it’s Majestic. He’s standing on the belly of the beast.

“You're the Majestic,” Pat says a bit nonsensically.

Their interaction was interrupted by the shaking of rusty pipes from above. Green sludge poured out around them like a waterfall of filth and waste. The monster sucks it all up.

“Is that the ship's sewage?”

“Yes. Gross to you maybe, but full of nutrients that I simply cannot live without.”

Fascinating. Okay Pat, time to cut right to it.

“My memories, you only showed the bad ones...”

The beast looked guiltily ashamed.

“Do you hate me? You must hate me.”

Patrick truly didn’t know what to expect from Majestic, but the look of hurt and remorse was not one of them.

“Emperor Zing said he'd blow me into space if I showed the good ones. Oh, what you must think of me! Ahh!” He openly sobbed and it was gross.

Just the putrid smell of his tears was almost enough to make Pat cry with him. Majestic did not wear emotional distress very well.

Patrick tries to soothe him,“It's okay. I know what the emperor can be like, and I forgive you.” It worked, this instantly calmed the beast.

“He wasn't such a bad guy, you know before,” he sniffled and wiped his eyes with his tentacles.

What ever did he mean by, “before?” He certainly seems to know more about the Emperor than Patrick or anyone else does.

“Before?”

“Why, before the heartbreak.”

“Emperor Zing was in love?”

“Oh, yes. Thought he'd met ‘the one,’ but then he got dumped, and it devastated him so completely he vowed to never love again. But the pain still remained, so he started shopping. Compulsively.”

Well that explains some things. Gosh, that sucks.

“That's why this ship's a mall.”

“That's exactly right, Patrick. And when buying stuff didn't cure what ailed him, he decided to wage a war against love. And that's why he won't let me show any good memories.”

How fucked up. Not only is this dude kidnapping and separating people from loved ones; he’s also systematically slicing dicks and removing genitalia from people across the galaxy. Quite the dramatic reaction from someone who got their heart broken.

This will not stand.

“Maj, we've got to let everyone know.”

“Once they realize the truth, it's sure to spark a rebellion,” he looked into space as if imagining. When he looked down to Pat, he found him smirking, “Oh, my God, we're really gonna do it. What a quick turn for me, but I love it!”

Yes! Now Patrick can prepare for his grand escape and return home, to Jonny. Holy shit, how freaked out are his sisters right now? Whatever, with the universe willing, he’ll see them soon.

Now he must relieve himself of another pressing matter.

“Great! Oh, hey, but first, do you have a bathroom? I got to go number two.”

Maj opens his mouth with a hiss.

“Oh, sorry. Too crass?”

Majestic shakes his head, opens his mouth wider and points a tentacle into his mouth. Does he mean for him to piss in his mouth?

Pat hopes he gets home soon.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really just trying to move on from this tbh. Hope you few are having fun with this.


	7. Wanna Avoid An Extreme Brazilian Wax? Start A Rebellion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, here we are, the “grand” conclusion to our story. What's gonna happen? Will someone get smoothed? Will Patrick escape? And if he does escape, will he help Sharpy? What if I just leave it all unresolved and focus on Jonny again? 
> 
> Read on to find out in our final installment of Lost In Space.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gobble gobble, b******! 
> 
> WARNINGS: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH. More of that possible dick removal stuff. Some violence, a necessary evil. That's uh, that's it I think. Hit me up with complaints or suggestions. 
> 
> Happy ending? It's possible. 
> 
> Have thy fine eyes been offended by the sight of unforgivable errors?? If this grave misfortune should befall upon thee then Stephawn and Karl are entirely to blame.
> 
> I'd like to thank each individual who has bothered to click on this story and actually follow along. And yes, I have cringed at a particular chapter in this story because I was too lazy to edit it and I didn't have my lil team yet but no one has complained so whatevs. Nonetheless, I digress, this was just some dumb story for me to have fun with and I'm glad you're reading. 
> 
> Gozalo! (Enjoy!) :)

 

Patrick finds himself in the middle of the arena, again, on a small elevated platform looking scared shitless. He's cold, shivering, and nearly naked. Like last time, the arena is packed.

Foster, the head of the imperial guard, hovers towards him on a separate elevated platform. In his arms, he holds a chrome device that resembles a fat hair dryer with razor blades on the inside, all attached to a long, thick cord. People around the arena all chant “Smooth! Smooth! Smooth!” as Foster powers up the machine with a malicious grin.

Patrick jerks back when he draws near. A robotic arm comes up and rips off Pat’s batman boxers.

“Oh, thank you. Those boxers were not clean.”

The arena gasps for the voice was not Patrick’s but that of Tyler, the bartender. And it was Tyler's face where Pat’s dick should have been.

“The shape-shifter!” Foster lunges at him.

“Hwah!” Tyler thwarts his attack by making his fist comically big and punching Foster with such a force as to cause him to fall off the platform and plummet to his death.

All in the arena were stunned.

The Emperor was enraged,“Guards, find Patrick Kane!”

“I'm right here, dude.”

Everyone’s attention goes back to the main floor of the arena, where Patrick stands on Majestic’s belly as they rise from the sewer’s opening.

“The emperor's been lying to you all! True love does exist. He's just been hiding it.”

Majestic plugs his tentacles into the jumbotron system while other’s plug into Pat's brain.

“Show ‘em, Maj!”

Majestic’s theme slowly begins to play. Only this time what was projected wasn't a sour shitshow of a toxic relationship, but a sickeningly sweet highlight reel of a young love in it's purest form. A montage of all of Patrick and Jonny’s happiest moments. These memories outweighed any bitter little disgruntlement. There were far more precious moments than forgetful ones. The arena now oohed and awed at the warm display. And suddenly, at seeing Jonny hold him close and whisper such sappy things to him, and pepper his face with kisses, at the sight of his own contented smile and Jon’s soft doe eyes oozing with fondness, Patrick began to cry once more in that arena for a different reason. His love was true, their love was real.

Majestic dug into his own archive and displayed the memories of previous individuals who weren't so lucky and were indeed smoothed. The aliens from the bar all smiled at the sight of them with their loved ones.

The Emperor, on the other hand, appears nervous and growing ever weary of the crowd that was soon escalating into complete chaos. He’s also probably realizing how fucked he is.

Patrick uses this distraction to sneak over to the Elevator where Sharpy and Toby, the caterpillar from Tyler's room, had already taken out the guards and waited for him.

But the Emperor spots him before he gets in.

“He's getting away. Kill him!” He yelled to the guards.

The cleaner lady from Patrick’s first day on board holds off the guards with Toby allowing Sharpy and Pat to ride to the very top of the ship where escape pods were stationed.

They finally reach the top level. “There's the escape pod,” Sharpy points to the far left when the elevator doors open. They run over to the first pod and Sharpy ticks the spherical lock with a massive kitchen knife from the shwarma shop and kicks the butterfly hatch up.

More guards arrive to corner them before they manage to hop in.

“Oh, looks like we got some customers, Pat.”

He pulls out another kitchen knife and tosses it to Patrick. Patrick somehow catches it and looks at him like he's crazy. But Sharpy’s got this insane twitch in his eye as he stares down the guards. Like he's taking out all the pent-up frustrations from his two months of enslavement.

It's pretty bad ass and Patrick is a little turned on despite his current state of fear.

“You boys want some shawarma? Come on, get it.” Sharpy charges at them.

 

-

 

Meanwhile back at the arena…

Majestic wraps his tentacles around Emperor Zing and yanks him from his viewing balcony onto the platform that was formerly occupied by Foster. He plugs into his brain. The Emperor is shaking like a frightened Chihuahua at the mercy of the beast he once controlled.

“There is love in this universe. And you should know.'Cause you had it!” Majestic tells him.

The light from the screens shines blindingly bright drawing everyone’s attention from the chaos. Majestic is displaying the Emperor's memories.

 

_The emperor sits relaxed in a bubble bath._

_“You know, I was thinking this weekend we could go out with Derek and Tommy.”_

_He spoke to his lover in the adjoining bedroom._

_“What do you think?”_

_No response._

_“Honey?”_

_He climbed out the tub and put on a robe._

_“Hello?”_

_Still no answer, he goes and investigates._

_Emperor Zing walks in on a sight that will haunt him forever. A sight that shattered his heart and filled it with venomous hate._

_“_ Rogey _?” His voice cracked at the end._

_Rogelio was naked under the sheets atop a human twink, kissing him languidly. His eyes widen when he turns to the Emperor._

_“Oh, my God, okay, wow. Can we please be grown-ups about this? Because I can't.”_

_The Emperor openly wept and clenched his fists with rage as Rogelio continued kissing the stranger._

 

“You got your heart broken.That's why you told us there's no such thing as love,” a random from the crowd said.

“You lied to us!” another cried in outrage. The audience became aggressive and threw their garbage at him. Others hopped out the stans to attack him.

Soon a whole mob was jumping the Emperor. The whole ship plunged into total lawlessness.

The chaos and vandalisms that broke outrival that of the LA riots from the 90s. Worse in fact. All shops were broken into and looted. The slaves finally fought back against the grays that oppressed them. Everyone ran wild, the ship was being torn apart from the inside.

 

-

 

Patrick was in awe at the heroics Sharpy performed against fighting the guards. And he looked so good doing it, like an action hero. Pat managed to take out two guys but he was fighting with hesitation, not with the passion Sharp possessed.

“Go on, man, get in. I'll hold them off,” Sharpy turned back and told Pat as a new wave of guards were approaching.

Pat shook his head, “I'm not leaving you out here.”

“There's too many of them, Peeks. It's the only way,” he insisted.

“Sorry, that's just not my style.” Patrick had only one friend through all this, he couldn't just abandon him.

But Patrick only distracted him from the guards attacking him.

“Aah, my ear!” Sharp yelled in pain as a guard with his laser blade, a lot like a lightsaber but with a real blade, literally cut his right ear off. “Ow! Go on, man, get out of here!”

“You sure? Because I could- I can help!”

“Just go!” He pleaded as he was being overwhelmed by the guards coming their way.

“And be known as the guy who left his number one space bud? I don't think so.”

“Arghh!” Sharp just lost an arm. “Please! I cannot afford to keep paying attention to you!”

“But-Got it.” Patrick had one leg in the pod as he stood at its opening.

He watched Sharp put up a valiant effort. He managed to steal one of the guards laser swords and fought off dozens with only one arm, a wounded leg, and a bleeding ear.

Patrick couldn't see his friend go down this way,“Hurry, Sharpy!”

“Huh?”

Sharpy turned around to face him, face full of annoyed confusion. A guard behind him took this chance to shorten Sharpy at the knees. “Gahh!” He groaned in pain.

“NO!” Pat cried. Without thinking he rushed over to the aid of his friend. He took Sharp’s sword that had fallen from his grip and slaughtered the remaining guards in a blind fury. He came back to his senses when he heard Sharp whimper. Pat turned and saw that he was beckoning for him to come to him.

Patrick ran over, got on his knees, and held his head. Sharpy spoke up,“Pat, when you get to Earth, do me this one last solid.”

“Anything, Sharpy.” Patrick was honest. These were possibly Sharpy’s last words, he'd do anything he asked him to.

“Go to Chicago, tell-tell Abby I wish we had more time,” he coughed violently, “tell her I love her. And I'm sorry. Tell the girls their daddy loves them. Tell them all the clichéd shit in the world cause I'm not smart enough to put into words how much I love them.”

Chicago? Oh shit, that’s right, Sharpy was headed back home, away from the dumpster fire that was the Dallas Stars. Patrick doesn't know if Sharp’s family knew what happened to him, he hopes he wouldn't have to explain his death or that he doesn't come off as a crazed fan and further cause any emotional distress. He'll think of something, something to do for them as a thanks because he owes his whole life to Sharpy.

Patrick only nodded in response. He feared that if he tried to speak now all that’d come out would be wailing sobs and that shouldn’t be the last thing Sharpy hears.

A sole tear trickled down Sharpy’s chiseled face, even as he laid dying he was a beautiful bastard.

“Oh-oh, no!” He said in a whispered croak watching the light from Sharpy’s eyes fade. He's gone. Tears were already falling freely down his face when Sharpy spoke his last words. Now that he was gone he openly choked and sobbed. The sounds he made were a pitiful blubbery thing.

His head snapped up when he heard a bang.

More guards were on the way. He had to leave.

He lowered Sharp's eyelids and gave him a parting kiss.

Patrick boarded the pod and slammed a trembling palm on the button that sealed the doors shut before the guards reached him.

He was alone, really alone. He didn't know how to operate this thing. The plan was for Sharpy to come with. What's he to do now? Wander aimlessly through space?

Pat took a deep breath.

“That's it Pat, swallow your anxieties down into the pits of hell where those weak emotions belong,” he told himself. He'd have to do a lot of the talking now that he was alone. He hopes he doesn't lose his mind, that wouldn't be cool. He takes another deep breath and looks out the window.

“I'm coming home, babe. I'm coming home.”

He clicks a button that has an icon that looks like a map with arrows on it. “What is your destination?”

GPS, nice.

“Take me to Earth so I can be with my beloved.”

“There are over 47,000 known Earths.”

Well shit.

“Oh, no. Start with the first one, I guess.”

 

\----

 

Patrick's just chilling in the pod enjoying a canned beverage he had found when he got bored and decided to take a tour of his new digs. He's sitting on a pilot’s chair with his feet propped on the dashboard waiting to land on the first “Earth.”

He takes a sip and nearly chokes with what appears right before him.

“Peek-a-boo!”

It's-it's Sharpy! But he's like a ghost. Holy shit, was he hallucinating? He doesn't exactly know the contents of the beverage he was drinking…

“Sharpy! You're alive! But how?? I haven't gone mad have I?”

Sharpy, now the glittering, shimmering, apparition, chuckled. It echoed.

“Oh my young padawan, you've still much to learn. When that guard struck me down, I became more powerful than you could ever imagine,” he grinned and placed his hands on his hips.

Patrick smiled, “I'm so glad you're still doing the star wars references for me. And hey! Look your limbs are back!”

Sharpy smirked this time, “Yeah, all my limbs if ya know what I mean.”

Giddy laughter erupted between the two. Patrick leaped out his chair and went for tackle hug. He dove right through him though and hit a wall causing Sharpy to laugh even more. Patrick was just stupidly happy he wasn't alone anymore.

Oh, this was gonna be fun.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have completed Lost In Space. Wow, you stuck with it like a champ. Go you.
> 
> Happy Thanksgiving. 
> 
> And to my indigenous friends, today is a day of mourning. 
> 
> No matter who you are or what you're doing today, you readers are one of the many things I am thankful for. 
> 
> Patrick will get home, no worries. Jonny may lose his mind and become paranoid but it will all be worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> You know feedback good or bad would be nice. One of my parakeets is sick so send prayers for Dr. Nigel Peter Perry and hope she pulls through. 
> 
> Point out mistakes, please!
> 
> thanks for reading :)


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